I crave the Swiss army knife made for PowerPoint presentations

In 2010, Swiss army knife makers introduced a new model for the digital age: the Presentation Master. To help you dominate PowerPoint presentations on the battlegrounds of corporate warfare, the knife’s foldout tools included a laser pointer, Bluetooth remote for changing slides, and a USB flash drive. I need it. This is an incredible cyberpunk PC peripheral and a rare commodity aimed at megacorp mid-executives rather than the leather clad populace of hackers, scavs and street samurai. I need it so much.

I get that most of our readers are already living their lives as cool cyberpunk aliens. Every time you leave your dwelling cube, your cool leather jacket sags with your “everyday carry”: hooks; mirrors (plus spare pair); monocular; satellite phone; blue water table; assorted scanners (fingerprint, police radio, retinal, WiFi, etc.); voice changer; soldering iron; false passports; £3,000 in international currency; 60 yards of paracord braided into a whip for storage and utility; Bitcoin hidden in your sock; butterfly knife; and three Leatherman multi-tools. You live tomorrow, today, and I’m happy for you. But won’t anyone think of The Man?

Introduced in 2010, the Victorinox Presentation Master knife had all the tools a megacorp drone needs in its daily life:

  • Blade, to cut the torn film of a meal salad
  • Nail file, to make a good first impression with an attractive and secure hand grip
  • USB key, containing 8, 16 or 32 GB of storage secured by a fingerprint reader
  • Laser pointer, for pointing
  • Cool Class 2 Laser Warning Hazard Sticker
  • Two-button Bluetooth controller to master your presentation
  • Pen, for annoyingly writing on a clipboard while someone is talking
  • Scissors, to cut loose threads from your sharp suit
  • Keychain attachment point, clip on your knife chain or BlackBerry holster

Perfect. A perfectly optimized device. Not a gram wasted. As the world’s pre-eminent author of young adult cyberpunk fiction about saving the world with NFTs, I look forward to using a presentation master.

It also came in “Flight” variants which adhered to aircraft safety regulations by ditching the blade, file, and scissors. You can prepare a pitch deck anywhere you might meet potential clients or investors, even in the air with red eyes. That’s what I call megacorpin’.

Ugh, more like Midnite Restaurant Manager

It takes my breath away that Victorinox discontinued this knife a decade before I even knew it existed. They still make professional knives with amazing names, like the Midnite Manager@work (slogan: “To accompany you every step of the digital road”). But this knife replaces the Presentation Master’s laser pointer with an LED torch and has no PowerPoint control buttons. What good is a corporate knife if I can’t wield it to highlight a third quarter earnings bar chart from the entire boardroom?

The Midnite Manager@work is a knife for counterfeiters. People dressing up as megacorporation business drones, wearing a leather pocket square but failing to tattoo their palms with a QR code pointing to their LinkedIn page. Lay. It’s an affront to real cyberpunks like me.

If the Deus Ex reboot continues, I think Adam Jensen’s next inevitable hardware wipe should see him rebuilt as the office jockey that a security chief would be. The knife arms are overkill, they’re only useful in the rare case the paper cutter breaks, so I suggest the scissor fingers. Two non-eutactic shimmering blue blades would come out between the index and middle finger, operated with a slashing gesture. He should use his Social Enhancer implant to precisely calibrate the pressure of the cyberarm’s handshake based on the strength and expectation of each shake. Even better, it should have a built-in USB power bank to force networking opportunities when people stand near it to charge their phones. And one of his eyes should be a projector to show PowerPoint decks, and one finger a laser pointer – beware, those eggheads in the lab don’t make him powerful enough to cut through projector screens (or padlocks, flesh, etc.).

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